terasing.

tak pernah sekalipun aku mengungkit
seberapa banyak aku pernah berhabis
tak pernah sekali aku meminta-minta
utk kau pulangkan apa yg aku pinjamkan
tak pernah sekali aku menagih wang ku kembali

aku sendiri boleh cari wang Ringgit
aku sendiri boleh beli apa yang aku inginkan

tapi kenapa bila kau sempit
kau ungkit segala yang kau tanggung
belanja itu ini
wang Ringgit habis utk itu ini
seolah kau saja yang bertanggungjawab utk tanggung semuanya. 

kenapa ungkit? 
kenapa berdiam bila tersepit?
aku selalu cakap aku akan ada utk kau.
selalu ada. 

luahkan lah.  aku dengar semua. 
jangan hanya diam bikin aku terseksa. 

rajuk.

perempuan itu
rajuknya cuma sebentar
rajuknya kadang sekadar isyarat
asal kamu tahu yang dia butuh itu adalah perhatian kamu
bukan mahu berlama-lama
kerana dia sedar sakit seksa
rajuk cemburu bikin gundah gulana
pujuklah dia
pergilah bercanda
gembirakan dia
hapuskan dukanya. 

mana ikhlasmu?

aku mahu dia
yang sentiasa berusaha
mahu jadikan aku miliknya

aku mahu dia
sentiasa ada
disaat senang dan gembiranya aku
mahupun susah lelahnya rasa

aku mahu dia
yang bisa melayani rajukku
sentiasa memujukku
gembirakan aku dan tertawakan aku

bukan dia yang selalu berlalu sepi
dibiar aku melayan rajuk sendiri
bukan dia yang sentiasa lari
bila ada masalah dan berharap selesai sendiri
bukan dia yang yang singgah tatkala susah
dan pergi beriadah mewah tatkala tidak lagi gundah

aku mahu dia kembali
berada di sisi,  menemani
aku mahu dia kembali
pegang erat tangan tanpa mahu dilepaskan
aku mahu dia yang peduli

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist deep in thought because when
I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight

I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
"Oh darling I wish you were here"

kamu jahat !

pria yang mana
sanggup dipegang tangannya
dibiarkan dompetnya dibuka
direla bahunya bersandar
membalas pelukan erat si gadis
menjadi manja tidak bertapis

mengapa risau saat dirinya terpaksa sendiri
melalui jalanan sepi dimalam hari
mengapa sanggup menanti tanpa rasa sunyi kala si gadis pulang kembali

mengapa sanggup menghantar pulang
mengapa sudi bersusah senang

mengapa terlalu berahsia
sekuat mana lagi usahaku yang engkau tagih
untuk meruntuh ego sekeras kerikil dan seutuh menaramu

rindu.

layanan mesra dan perhatian

tidaklah beerti terus jadi kepunyaan

tapi hati masih degil

tetap bergantung harapan

walau akal arahkan untuk sedia apa kemungkinan.  

Dia menenangkan

tapi terkadang jadi terus meresahkan

Dekat terlalu dingin

Berjauhan mesra pula.  

he has entered to my circle of friends now
i dun like the idea of them talking to him
or vice versa.
i am not jealous.
I'm being terittorial.
I am protecting what is mine.
He is mine.
Literally.

miserable.

he is not even mine
bu I keep thinking of him most of the time
my heart got jealous and carried away easily
watching him laughing along with em.
I`ve tried to keep myself strong and pretending everything is okay


I failed
Miserably.

torn and uncertain.

antara harapan orang yang tersayang
dengan cita-cita sendiri. 
ibarat menarik rambut dalam tepung
rambut jangan putus
tepung jangan berselerak. 

mahu teruskan kerja makin sakit jiwa.
mahu kejar cita-cita terbeban rasa berdosa pula pada orang tua. 

Racun.

Dia datang saat cintanya
bersama gadis itu tidak berbunga
Dia datang bawa duka gundah gulana

Mungkin kerana perasan sendiri
Diri ini cuma peneman sunyi
Bukan untuk disayangi.

in your dreams, aween.

Assalamualaikum, 

Whoaaaaaa ! I didn't expect my 2016 resolution will succeed. 

Azam untuk dapatkan flat belly berjaya, 

Perut aku dah tak bloated, kempis je......

Bila aku baring. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !

Can someone please teach me how to control my eating habit, I munch like most of the time and I stop only when I want to sleep. 

muzik video

Termenung ku sendiri, 
memendam rindu tidak menentu
kasih suci murni yang kita bina 
hapus hancur oleh kata fitnah

Di pagi hari raya
hati sayu mengenang dirimu
Mudahnya kau menggantikan diriku
seolah cintaku tak bermakna

Apakah suratan Aidilfitri satu titik akhir
sekian lama bercinta 
kau tiada di hari mulia

Keampunan ku pohon
sekiranya aku yang berdosa
pulangkah ku menanti mu oh sayang
ku menunggu mu di hari raya

Hope still not too late to wish you Selamat Hari Raya !
And that's me pretending to shoot muzik video raya wakakakaka ;p

maaf ye.

Assalamualaikum,

So dlm previous entry aku ada mention pasal I got the new offer from other company. Benda tak best bila too many people kepochi asking you where's your new office, position apa bla bla bla. Tp thats normal lah, okay that part still boleh negotiate to share lah. BUT! ada yang to the extend where ada yang sanggup tanya :

"kalau stay sini gaji berapa?"
"RM2.5k ? RM2.6k? RM2.8k?

sebut every detail OMGGGGG THATS MY PRIVATE STUFF YOU DONT HAVE THE F***** RIGHT TO KNOW. if I wanna share, I sure tell one.

Lepas tu tanya

"kat sana nnt berapa company tu offer?"
RM3.2k? RM3.5k? RM3.8k?

Tapi nak tipu pon aku tak sampai hati. Bila dah terbongkar, aku sendiri yg tak sedap hati.

YA ALLAH.

comeback.

dah lama tak run, join marathon.

padahal azam tahun ni 1 month 1 marathon.

kena start balik ni. lama sangat rest due to knee injury lepas balik Jogja April lepas.

revenge.

Helaian mukasurat diselak satu persatu. Mencari nota kecil yang disisip dalam bukunya tempoh hari. Kepala yang tidak gatal digarunya. Melihatkan koleksi buku yang bersepah di atas lantai, seakan menambahkan lagi tekanannya.

Fikri telah membunuh teman wanitanya setahun yang lalu, akibat curang dan cemburu buta. Betul lah kata orang-orang tua, kalau terlalu cemburu akan membawa padah kepada sesuatu hubungan itu.

Namun seminggu yang lalu Fikri telah  terjumpa seorang gadis mirip teman wanita yang dibunuhnya. Setiap hari Fikri mengikuti gadis itu yang kebetulan bekerja berdekatan tempat Fikri bekerja sebagai Draughtman untuk syarikat minyak antarabangsa.

Tiga hari yang lalu, Fikri sengaja menjatuhkan lanyard beserta tag kepunyaannya dihadapan gadis itu. Pantas gadis itu mengambil lanyard Fikri dan memulangkannya. Sambil tersenyum, Fikri menghulurkan tangan sebelum menggenggam mesra tangan kanan gadis itu.

“terima kasih err..

“Myaa, nama saya Myaa”

“ok, thanks Myaa. Kalau tag ni hilang entah macam manalah I nak get access to my office. You working somewhere around here?”

“em yes, my office dekat building Malakoff tu. I did noticed you memang selalu makan dekat foodcourt ni kan?”

“Eh macam mana you tahu ni?”

“I selalu nampak you during lunchtime”

“I see. Okay Myaa thanks again yaa.

“No biggie, eh but I didn’t get your name”

“I’m Fikri”

“Ok Fikri, here’s my card. I know you would love to go for a drink to thank me kan”

“Absolutely, I’ll call you later ok.

“happy working Fikri”

Myaa tersenyum sinis sebaik saja Fikri berlalu pergi.

‘Aku Zira lah, yang kau cuba bunuh setahun yang dulu”, ujar Myaa dalam hati.

Lagu Revenga dari band SOAD dinyanyi perlahan.

bersambung....

you killed me, my love.

photo credit: google :)

Lariannya semakin perlahan. Nafas Azly semakin memberat. Kotak hadiah ditangan hampir terlepas dari pegangan, namun sempat dipeluk erat. Kotak bersazi sederhana itu tidak dibalut dengan kertas pembalut hadiah. Tanpa ada sebarang titipan nota ucapan mahupun reben merah dibahagian tepi kotak.

Langkah kakinya mati saat tiba di seleksi buku-buku sastera terbitan DBP. Namun kelibat orang yang dicarinya tiada. Tiba-tiba dia terdengar suara ketawa kecil perempuan yang diselang seli dengan suara garau lelaki tidak dikenali. Tiba dihadapan mereka berdua, Azly tersenyum kelat. Perempuan itu tersipu-sipu malu dan lelaki yg tidak dikenalinya itu pura-pura menyambung bacaan buku tulisan Pak Sako.

“maaf lambat beri hadiah harijadi, saya nak pastikan hadiah yang saya bagi ni istimewa dan tak boleh jumpa di mana-mana. Saya harap awak akan kenang sampai bila-bila”

“kenapa awak pucat sangat ni Azly?” Tanya Dhira.

“Nah, untuk awak. Selamat ulangtahun kelahiran. Selamat tinggal and happy reading, sayang” ujar Azly lantas berlalu pergi.

Dhira terpinga-pinga namun seakan sudah dapat mengagak akan ahdiah yg diterimanya. Azly sering kali menghadiahkan buku-buku sastera DBP dan ITMB kepadanya.  Sudah banyak koleksi kumpulan cerpen yang diterima dari Azly.

Kotak yang diterimanya sebentar tadi dibuka perlahan.  Seketul jantung yang masih berdenyut diatas sebuah buku itu yang terlihat membuatkan Dhira menjerit tidak keruan.  Dhira lari bertempiaran dan keluar dari perpustakaan awam, histeria dan tidak terkawal. 

Tajuk akhbar media arus perdana memaparkan kisah seorang wanita maut dilanggar lori. Dua ketul jantung yang dipercayai milik mangsa dan seoarng lelaki ditemui disebelah jasad wanita itu, masih berdenyut. 

rezeki.

Alhamdulillah, thank you ALLAH ;)
sebab makbulkan dua doa yang paling sering aku sebut sepanjang Ramadhan tempoh hari.

Salah satunya adalah, doaku untuk mendapatkan kerja di tempat baru.
rasa macam woohoooo !

Alhamdulillah, thank you ALLAH, for this rezeki (and more to come!)

raya unzipped

So this morning I was so lazy nak bangkit pi mandi malasnya Tuhan je yang tahu sebab mengantuk sebab semalam lama gila dalam bas Karak highway jammed merangkak !

Lepas mandi tidoq balik sat pastu gegeh bangun nk sesiap, nasib baik nampak my fav baju kurung dah siap iron. Ok pakai ni jelah malas aku nk melawa di pagi Isnin yg penuh kebiruan (Monday Blues). This baju kurung was my baju during my convo few years back. Still 'in' dia punya design and I love it sebab no need to iron teruk-teruk.

Alhamdulillah my singlet all went missing waktu balik kampung ahahaha, kenapa aku say Alhamdulillah sebab hati tergerak nk pakai inner, not singlet. Because something embarrassing happened to me this morning.

Aku unzipped baju kurung bila nak pakai, zip kat belakang. Pastu HOW ON EARTH AKU LUPA NK ZIP BALIK BAJU AKU WOIIIII ????

YA TUHAN, dah sampai opis aku pi tandas baru aku noticed. Taktau nk kabo malu ke sedih T___T . No wonder lah aku rasa baju menggelebeh semacam, tangan panjang serabut perut aih. Nasib baiklah zip yg terbukak tu idak le besar sgt sampai ke blkg pinggang. Cuma few cm melepasi bahu, Alhamdulillah. Thank you ALLAH sbb gerakkan hati aku nk pakai inner today, bukan singlet. Phewwww! aurat babe, aurat tuuuuuuu.

Nampak sangat dah kena kawin aku ni, Kalau ada husband boleh gak tolong zip kan baju kt belakang tu. Kahkahkah.

Alhamdulillah again.

rasa rindu yang menggunung itu pun terbunuh,
kerana sikap egois kamu.




ok, aku juga.

would you date an avid reader?

My fav book with fav drink; neslo suam ;) 

“You should date a girl who reads.
Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I didn't ask you to date me. I'm just sharing this quote as I found it on Goodreads. Too nice to hold it from being shared !